The 2013 Billboard Music Awards were so much fun (and scored such great ratings) that it seems a shame that we have to wait a whole year for them to happen again.
Or do we …
In the spirit of extending the excitement of Sunday’s (May 19) festivities, broadcast live from the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, Chart Beat presents this week’s top chart news in awards-show form.
And, since bringing back Tracy Morgan would probably be beyond this column’s budget, let’s employ some other famous “Saturday Night Live” characters (in character). (And, imagine the deeper chart stats, in italics, below, in the voice of the BBMAs’ sultry voice-over artist.)
Ready? Lights … camera … action!
Here to present the honor for the newest “American Idol” winner’s Billboard chart debut … The Church Lady!
“My, my, my. Isn’t “American Idol” special?! All those young, pretty girls parading around in their scandalous little outfits, all for the enjoyment and judgment of two male judges. You know who’ll ultimately be judging them? … Saaaaatan!”
(Applause) After becoming the 12th “American Idol” champion last week, Candice Glover debuts on multiple Billboard charts with “I Am Beautiful.” The ballad starts on R&B Songs at No. 13, Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs at No. 33 and the Billboard Hot 100 at No. 93.
Staying in the reality-show realm, to announce new “Celebrity Apprentice” victor Trace Adkins’ latest chart hit, please give a warm welcome to … The Girl You Wish You Hadn’t Started a Conversation With at a Party:
“So, like, awards, right? They’re nothing but meaningless … except that they have meaning. If you think what I’m saying is wrong, maybe you should take a good look in the mirror … and listen to yourself. Arianna!” (Leaves to go talk to her friend, Arianna …)
(Confusion, then applause) After winning NBC’s “The Celebrity Apprentice” on Sunday, Trace Adkins scores his 36th entry on Country Airplay, as “Watch the World End,” featuring Colbie Caillat, debuts at No. 58. It’s pop artist Caillat’s first appearance on the ranking.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, to present the new No. 1 on Alternative Songs to the Neighbourhood, The Boston Teens!
Sully: “Denise, ohmigod, you’re not gonna believe this! This is so wicked awesome! The Neighbourhood paahks at the top of the chaaaht. They’re No. 1!”
Denise: “They’re not No. 1 … you are!”
Sully: “No, you are!”
Denise: “No, you are!”
(The two then debate who’s really No. 1, trading “you are!”s while kissing …)
The Neighbourhood tops Alternative Songs with “Sweater Weather.” The group is the first act to lead the list with a debut hit since the Lumineers’ “Ho Hey,” which reached No. 1 in September. Again, congratulations to the Neighbourhood, as the band goes No. 1.
Sully, to cameraman: “Wait, did she just say, ‘The band … ‘goes No. 1‘ ‘?” (Falls over laughing at the perceived potty humor …) “Tommy, please tell me you got that!”
Black Sabbath tallies its first-ever No. 1 on a Billboard airplay chart, as “God Is Dead?” rises 2-1 on Heritage Rock. Here to present the honor … Nat X:
“Black Sabbath? Why do you have to call ’em Black Sabbath? Why can’t it just be Sabbath? Because that’s how the Man thinks! But, it’s about time a ‘Black’ act is on rock radio. It’s always White Lion … Whitesnake … or the White Stripes!”
(Uncomfortable silence, then applause) After more than four decades, Black Sabbath tops its first airplay survey. The band’s Billboard chart history dates to Aug. 29, 1970.
Anna Kendrick’s “Pitch Perfect” soundtrack song “Cups” reaches the Hot 100’s top 40 at last, rising 44-36 in its 21st week. Here to congratulate Kendrick … It’s Pat!
“Wow, what a thrill it must be for a girl to earn such an honor. I should know … because Anna told me backstage just how excited she is about it! ‘Cups’ is a great song, almost as good as my favorite new song … Bruno Mars’ ‘When I Was Your Man’ … I sure identify with those lyrics … I mean, I’ve lost at love, too!”
“Cups” completes the fifth-longest trip to the Hot 100’s top 40 for a song by a woman in the chart’s history, a list led by LeAnn Rimes’ “Can’t Fight the Moonlight,” which needed 29 weeks in 2001-02. Among all acts, Of Monsters and Men’s “Little Talks” took the most scenic route to the top 40: 30 weeks last year.
(Escorted off the stage, Pat is asked if a trip to the restroom is needed. Ladies to the left, men to the right. “That’s easy,” is the response. “Neither! This is Vegas … just point me to the nearest casino!”)
And, our final award, to Marc Anthony. The Salsa star ties Victor Manuelle for the most No. 1s on Tropical Airplay, as “Vivir Mi Vida” becomes his 22nd topper. Please put your hands together for … The Richmeister! (aka, Copy Room Guy):
“Maaarc! The Marc-inator! The Marcsman … able to leap to No. 1 in a single bound! Marc-me-down-for-number one! Get ready, get set, on your Marc, go to No. 1!
(Anthony quietly leaves before even heading to the stage …)