Howard Stern took time out from broadcasting his SiriusXM show from home on Monday morning (April 6) with a sweet acoustic song he wrote for his wife Beth to thank her for her tireless efforts to keep their house clean during the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown.
Stern, a self-avowed germaphobe who has been fretting about all the ways he might contract the novel coronavirus since his return to the air last week, explained to sidekick Robin Quivers that he felt inspired to write the song after watching his wife scour every surface over and over again.
“Do you want me to sing my song to you about how much I appreciate you cleaning the house,” Stern asked. “Is it a real song? I thought you were kidding,” Beth replied as Quivers looked on with a wide smile for the command performance of the track Stern had debuted earlier in the show. “Beth is the perfect wife/ She loves Clorox and Lysol wipes,” Stern sang in a folky, Neil Young-adjacent warble while strumming his guitar.
“Life with Beth is like a dream/ She protects me from COVID-19/ She cleans the germs, the dust, the dirt/ In her half cropped-top belly shirt/ She makes me safe in quarantine/ She’s like a sexy Mr. Clean/ As I sit here in my room/ I hear the sweet sound of her vacuum/ My Beth protects me/ She disinfects meeeee.”
Then things got a little more personal, as Stern described the unenviable task of scrubbing his bathroom, doing his laundry and cleaning the litter boxes. “She’s there to smile when I feel glum/ And to wipe up my apple crisp Metamucil crumbs,” he continued, tossing in a joke about Arnold Schwarzenegger’s liaison with his maid. “We’ll be together to the end/ Beth’s not just my maid, she’s my best friend,” he concluded as Beth looked on with love in her eyes. “I love my song so much,” she said.
Like his pals in late night, Stern has been trying to adjust to working remotely, passing the time by speaking to Dr. David Agus to debunk coronavirus rumors, warning comedian Tracy Morgan that he’s got way too many people visiting his house, trying to goad Adam Levine into admitting that he’s monitoring the ratings for The Voice now that he’s left the show and probing Andy Cohen about what it felt like to contract the viral infection that has killed more than 11,000 and infected over 368,000 in the U.S. to date.
Watch Stern’s song below.