On Saturday, Justin Bieber was the subject of a Comedy Central Roast, and the jokes were pretty merciless. Plenty have felt wronged by Bieber in the past, so we’re hoping the verbal assault of Kevin Hart, Hannibal Buress and, yes, Martha Stewart, was vindication for those who have had their house egged or can’t stand the word “swag.”
Justin Bieber Roast: ‘Any Younger and This Would Qualify as Child Abuse,’ Says Jeff Ross
We’re not joking when we say those roasters can get rough. We don’t condone all the times Jeff Ross “went there” in his jabs at Bieber, but if this is par for the course, it takes a certain kind of person who can take on a roast. They’ve got to be vulnerable enough to give the roasters material, but secure and well-liked enough that they could walk away from all this.
Here are 10 other musicians we think fit the bill:
This one’s tricky. There are plenty of things to skewer ‘Ye for, but too often Kanye hate just devolves into lazy race-based double-standards. Former toastmaster Seth Rogen and roastee James Franco hit it just right with their parody of his “Bound 2” video, which Kanye himself applauded, so there’s a starting point. From there they could jump into how he won’t stop trying to make us think he can sing or how he was in a Hoobastank video once:
A lot of music critics would be lined up to have a go at the Seattle rapper, only to realize they’re not famous enough to get inside the Friar’s Club. It’s okay, though, since there’s plenty of Macklemore material for his fellow celebrities go dig into, and ever since his smarmy apology note to Kendrick Lamar after the 2014 Grammys, we think they’d like to, too. Besides, Mack was well-adjusted and self-aware enough to guest on Sesame Street, so we think he could take the heat.
From Jimmy Brooks to being Canadian, Drake’s brilliant career is tailor-made for roasting. Just imagine this kind of material carried out for a couple of hours by professionals:
Drake the type of nigga to let the bed bugs bite just so they don’t go hungry http://t.co/uzGd8PQ3KH pic.twitter.com/l9XsFnaXqC
— drakethetype (@drakethetype) September 27, 2013
Taylor Swift is at the top of the pop game, so we’re hoping she’d feel secure enough to let the roasters take some shots. Let’s hope they wouldn’t grab the low-hanging “she dates lots of guys” fruit and sink their teeth into the good stuff — a lot of jokes about her embarrassing dancing to hip-hop at awards shows.
The Jack White roast wouldn’t be aired on Comedy Central, but a rough audio recording would be available via a 6xLP mahogany box set released through Third Man Records. All jokes about the Black Keys would be edited out.
The haters would say that you’d need an ounce of molly to enjoy a Skrillex roast, but that’s not the case. Here’s a starting point: Sonny Moore used to front From First to Last, a Warped Tour band that looked like this:
Comedians would come from around the globe to roast Mr. Worldwide, and we doubt the jokes would end with wearing white after Labor Day. In reality, Pitbull is such a likable guy that we think he could take all the short and bald and Madagascar penguins jokes that come his way. A Pitbull roast would likely also bring unprecedented Bud Light, Pepsi, Dr. Pepper and Kodak sponsorships to the Friar’s Club.
He’s old, fat, bald and wrote “We Didn’t Start the Fire.” A Billy Joel roast would be like joking with your favorite (formerly) drunk uncle at Thanksgiving dinner.
At a glance, Lady Gaga seems to take herself impossibly seriously. But moments like the 2013 SNL episode she hosted gave us a glimpse of the self-aware Gaga, who poked fun at her Madonna “influence” and played a kooky 77-year-old version of herself who’s forgotten in the future. A Gaga roast would certainly be more enjoyable than another Muppets Holiday Spectacular.
It would be billed as a “Maroon 5 Roast,” but inexplicably, Adam would be the only one standing onstage.