Britney Spears was in a reflective mood post-Christmas, opening her heart in a lengthy Instagram post in which she explained why she’s taking a break from making music and performing while describing a crisis of faith that tested her only to re-boot her resolve.
The note posted on Monday (Dec. 27) opened with suggestions: “When you wake up. PRAY… When life gets hard. PRAY. If you’re unsure. PRAY. When you’re happy. PRAY. God’s always with us.” Those slides led to a long note in which the 40-year-old singer discussed a time when her faith was tested.
“I had an experience thee years ago where I stopped believing in God !!!! From every angle I was being hurt for no reason and my family was hurting me,” Spears wrote without describing a specific situation. “I went into a state of shock and the way I coped was being fake denial. It was too much to really face. It then came full circle and my heart took over and I was a lion.”
Spears has been speaking more freely since a judge ended a 13-year legal conservatorship that had her estranged father, Jamie Spears, and a group of lawyers controlling nearly every aspect of the star’s personal and professional life. During her period of turmoil, Spears said she “screamed alone a lot and I kept all that pain to myself,” lamenting that she’s never gotten to confront the person who hurt her. Instead, she wrote that she chose the “fake denial ‘everything’s totally fine’ approach” because she said she didn’t want to cause conflict.
Inside, however, Spears said she was “absolutely screaming… I wanted to be nice but what they did to my heart was unforgivable!!!!” And while, for the most part, the pop star did not get into specifics, she did note that she asked for 13 years to be able to perform new songs and remixes of her old songs, and claimed she only had two months off between her four-year span of Las Vegas residency shows.
“And every time I asked I was told ‘no’ !!!!! It was a set up to make me fail yet I knew exactly what I wanted my fans to see and it didn’t make sense how network television shows are showcasing my music with remixes of all my music… yet the person who owns the music is told no!!!” Spears noted that her younger sister, Jamie Lynn, was allowed to remix her songs, but Britney was not. At one point, the singer even suggests that she’d get “more respect” for doing a Playboy spread than for writing a book.
As for those who wonder why Spears has seemingly turned her back on music — she hasn’t released a new album since 2016’s Glory and hasn’t performed live since ending her four-year Britney: Piece of Me Las Vegas residency in 2017 and canceling an planned follow-up, Domination in 2019 — the singer said it was a combination of factors. “So much wasted time to only embarrass me and humiliate me and I guess it seems odd to most now why I don’t even do music anymore,” she wrote.
Spears said that nobody knows the “awful things” that were done to her, adding that after what she’s been through she’s scared of people and the music business by way of explaining why she’s taken a long break from recording and performing. “They really hurt me!!!!!! Not doing music anymore is my way of saying ‘F–k you’ in a sense when it only actually benefits my family by ignoring my real work,” she said.
The note, she said, was an attempt to sympathize with others whose faith has been tested as hers was. “Trust me, I know and it’s not fun,” she wrote. “Last year was growth for me… I still have a ways to go!!!” Spears said her goal for 2022 is to push herself more and do things that scare her, “but not too much.”
“We are just people and I’m not superwoman,” she wrote. “But I do know what makes me happy and bring me joy and I try to meditate on those places and thoughts that enable me to experience it!!!!!”
In a post last week, Spears filmed herself in a bathroom mirror belting out some high notes and listing some of her accomplishments as she promised to be her “own cheerleader” going forward.
Admitting to have her own insecurities, Spears said in Monday’s note that she realizes she “acted like an obnoxious 8 year old” in speaking about her career milestones last week, but, “honestly my family embarrassed me and hurt me deeply… so tooting my own horn and seeing my past accomplishments reflecting back at me actually helped!!!!”
Check out Spears’ full post below.