As a professor at Honkytown University, Toby Keith‘s catalog is practically the bro-country textbook. But true artists are never content to rest on their laurels — they need to take it to the next level. And to that end, Keith is gearing up to out-bro himself with his next video shoot.
The country singer is getting together with a parade of paid partygoers to pantomime some good times next week during a two-day video shoot. The end result — described as “the Most Outrageous Rave House Party On Steroids Hosted By Toby Keith Country Super Star” — will play just before Toby takes the stage on his upcoming Good Times & Pickup Lines tour.
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Like any video, this one was preceded by a casting call, detailing what kind of people Keith wants to populate his farmhouse-meets-frat house fairy tale. And while the video itself is fairly straightforward — it’s just guys n’ gals having some good times, y’all — the language in the casting call is brimming with so much blustering, goofy masculinity that it simply must be shared with the world.
Here’s our case for why this casting call is peak bro-country:
Example A
“We spend a day following Toby, and watch as he ensures the good times never end and the guy always gets the girl.”
Toby Keith — the fairy godfather of getting laid. No cock-blocking under Keith’s watchful eye!
And what of that girl? What does she look like?
Example B
“The prototypical head turners in any group, they could make even the smoothest talker speechless. They’re the IT girls. Should look amazing and be comfortable in a bikini, daisy dukes with boots. Seeking Good Improvisational Comedic, who are good with Dialogue if needed.”
That seems redundant. Who wouldn’t be comfortable wearing a bikini, daisy dukes and cowboy boots? “Should look amazing” is clearly the key here, as the casting call later specifies they’re looking for “Extremely Attractive HOT GUYS and Even HOTTER GIRLS.” Because even if the men look good, it’s important the women look better. Although to be fair, it’s nice they’re looking for girls who can speak “if needed.”
Example C
“There’s action around the pool. There’s a bonfire. There’s BBQ-ing. There’s tailgating. There’s mud-bogging. There are people doing tug of war with a truck. There’s a truck-bed hot tub. People hooking up. Toby connect with perfect pick up lines for the situations.”
“Truck-bed hot tub” is either 1) A direct-to-DVD comedy starring Larry the Cable Guy or 2) The first thing a country bro buys after winning the lottery. It’s also the only thing he buys after winning the lottery, because getting shit-faced in a mobile vat of bubbling water doesn’t end well.
But wait — what about the boys? What’s their deal?
Example D
“All American Good Looking Model Guy Next Door Tall Handsome Roughed Hot! African American. He’s hanging out with his friends checking out their vintage trucks when the girl of his dreams arrives. Which is the Hot Girls who is listed Above.”
Dream girl: Which is the Hot Girls who is listed Above. English: Which is the language which are not used in Toby Keith casting call.
Example E
The words “non union” appearing six times within the space of 900 words.
Although it’s not specified in the casting call, we can only assume the tongue rolling out of a man’s mouth and unfolding like a red carpet on the ground will be added via CGI in post-production.