A father of three, Brian Ahlers, 38, lives in Beaumont, Calif., and owns a jewelry store. Hannah, 34, his wife of 16 years, whom he had known since childhood, was killed during the shooting.
My wife was a full-time mom and housewife, so the difference in the way things are at home, it’s huge. We have three kids. My baby, my 3-year-old Hailey, hadn’t started preschool yet, so she was home every day with Mom. When my older kids got home from school, Mom was there to help with their homework. Our house was always the house that all of our kids’ friends came to. Hannah loved that. That’s not happening anymore. My kids don’t even come home after school. They go to friends’ houses.
Hailey asks about Mom every day. Every single day, it’s a conversation. It’s like, “Oh, I love my mom,” and “She’s my best friend.” At first she was like, “She’s coming back, right? She’s coming back.” We always say she’s in heaven, and she’s also in your heart. Her question just changed as of a few days ago. Now she’s saying, “Is my mom dead? Why did my mom die?” It just breaks your heart when she asks. Now that Mom’s not there, she is glued to my side. If I’m there, she won’t let me leave her.
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Life is pretty hectic at home. I’m still trying to get used to it. I’ve always been the breakfast guy. I always got up early and made breakfast for my kids. I still do. As far as the evening routine, Hannah always had dinner on the table when we got home. That was super awesome. So trying to get this evening routine right is really where I’m struggling right now. I love to cook. I like to plan and prepare meals, but overbuying has been a problem. That’s one of my current, small obstacles.
After it happened, I took a couple of weeks off, and then I went back to work. I was just trying to keep myself busy. But then a week before Thanksgiving, it really hit me hard. Christmastime is obviously my busiest time of year [in the store], but between a week before Thanksgiving and Christmas Day, I think I worked 10 days. I was in a really bad spot.
I’m super lonely. I don’t know the single life. I don’t want to be the single guy. I’ve known Hannah since she was 10. I started dating her when she was 15, and I married her when she was 17. I’ve never been away from her. She has been with me every step of the way. She was most definitely my best friend and my love. January was our 17th anniversary.
I have been listening to a lot more country lately. “Country strong” is something you keep hearing. I’ve only been to one concert since. I went to see Colt Ford in San Bernardino, and I broke down. It’s fair to say Colt Ford started our love for country, and I was out on the patio crying the whole time. I do have plans to go to another concert soon, but I don’t know — it’s difficult. Everything’s emotional. I go to Disneyland, and I look at these spots where we sat and took a picture. Hannah was very photogenic, and she took pictures of everything. I’m so thankful for those pictures now.
As told to Adrienne Gaffney.
This article originally appeared in the April 14 issue of Billboard.