It’s no longer just overbearing Jewish mothers that are imploring their loved ones, “Why don’t you find yourself a nice Jewish boy?”
Now when rappers get into trouble with the authorities, there’s only one person they need to call: their Jewish lawyer. Or at least so says a Slacktory compilation video creatively titled, “Rappers love Jewish lawyers.”
The YouTube video explores a long-standing relationship that goes underappreciated in the rap game but is clearly present with both up-and-coming rappers and legendary dons of hip-hop. To explain in more layman terms, and gentler rhetoric, the clips show that rappers are surely thankful for their Semitic attorneys and brag heavily about their abilities to win their cases, without fail.
Styles P raps on “Super Gangster”: “Good Jewish lawyer turn a ten to a two-to-four.”
Harlem-bred A$AP Ferg boasts: “I ain’t wanna pull it, but I had to do it / I be out tomorrow, my lawyer’s Jewish.”
Of course, Jews will appreciate these smooth, swaggin’ sentiments toward their esquire expertise. But many Sons of David don’t want to settle to just protect the freedoms of the rappers they work for; some want to spit rhymes themselves.
Take Action Bronson, a heavy-set rapper from Queens who was born to an Albanian father and a Jewish mother. It is no surprise that the mixtape legend, known for his creative lyrics and brash style, produces the most clever lines about Jewish lawyers in the compilation.
On “Morey Boogie Boards,” Bronson advises: “Employ a lawyer that’s been bar mitzvahed / Never trust a goyim.” (In case you never had a Yiddish grandmother, a goyim is a non-Jew.)
Bronson is also in touch with the customs of his Hebrew people. He spits on “Steve Wynn”: “Catch a case, get a Jewish lawyer, beat it with cheese / F— the beef ’cause it don’t go together, read ’em and weep.” With a Jewish attorney, prison just ain’t kosher.
Drake, born Aubrey Graham, was bar mitzvahed as a teen and even shot the “HYFR” music video in tallit and all. The Toronto rapper bragged: “I got a Jewish lawyer as my lead defender/A mitchkeit as they say he’s a legal bender.”
Rap royalty has also paid their respects to Semitic saviors, especially the Throne.
Kanye West raps on “Don’t Stop”: “Diamonds blue, his business manager’s Jewish / And if I get sued, my lawyer’s Jews.”
Jay-Z adds on “No Hook”: “Had to get some challah bread so you can holla back and holla that/My Jewish lawyer too enjoyed the fruit of letting my cash stack.” Apparently, Hova makes his lawyer work on the Sabbath.
There is one rapper, though, who feels no need for Hebrew representation. Fabolous, born in Brooklyn, doesn’t want a Jew defending him in court: “Gun charge, oh yeah, I had like two/My black lawyer beat them, never had a Jew.”
Breaking news: He’s getting coal for Hanukkah.
Check out the video below.