Day 17
We got a day off here in St. Louis, so we all rented motorcycles and began drunk driving. Pickles and Murderface broke their necks when they tried to drive up the Arch. They’re fine — they just have to wear these stupid looking braces for a couple days but whatever…
The tour has been going good so far — only a couple of big catastrophes.
We accidentally flooded a show in Seattle with whale blood (we’re finding that whales are beaching themselves when we play coastal cities because we think they’re fans of the Dethklok “underwater album” (The Dethklok album written for “fish only”). But the whale carcasses piled up and the locals couldn’t find a way to get rid of the bodies so they used pyrotechnics which caused a blubber blood avalanche that flooded the outdoor venue and drowned several thousand fans — brutal.
But I guess that’s why we have them sign the pain waivers…
Oh and the other catastrophe is that we sunk Detroit. We don’t know how it happened, but the entire city of Detroit sunk about a thousand feet into the earth. Look, all I know is that we started playing a show and everybody started getting shorter. And by the time we did our last encore we couldn’t even see them. I mean, we could kinda see them moshing but they had sunk about a thousand feet. I think they were pissed that we sunk their city. Our lawyers don’t think it was our fault but the city’s pressing charges for “city sinking.” Their mayor sucks. So, Detroit is trying to sue us, yadda yadda — I shouldn’t talk about it too much until we put out an official press release.
We have to figure out how to fix Pickle’s and Murderface’s necks by tomorrow’s show. They’re in pretty good moods despite having broken necks. They raided the Anheiser Busch brewery and trashed it to lift their spirits. But they’re on the mend. Thank God for stem cell research.
Oh, and I’m sitting in a Starbucks in disguise writing this while they hose down the Dethbus. Murderface violated the golden rule and went Number 2 in the hot tub. We’ll beat him with soap bars inside pillowcases for that tonight and have a good laugh…
Until later, do please go die.
