Almost a month after Chrissy Teigen suffered a miscarriage, the model is sharing all of her thoughts in a vulnerable essay.
The emotional Medium blogpost, titled “Hi,” finds Teigen admitting that she “had no idea when I would be ready to write this,” and revealing that she wrote the post “from the downstairs couch, still cozied up in a blanket but buzzing from a morning of friends and fried chicken.”
“I didn’t really know how I would start this, no matter the room or state I was in, but it feels right to begin with a thank you,” she wrote. “For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, ‘you probably won’t read this, but…’. I can assure you, I did.”
Teigen went on to explain in more detail the days leading up to her hospitalization, when she was 20 weeks pregnant with her third child, whom she and husband John Legend lovingly named Jack. “I was previously on bedrest for over a month, just trying to get the little dude to 28 weeks, a ‘safer’ zone for the fetus. My doctors diagnosed me with partial placenta abruption,” she explained. “I had always had placenta problems. I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption. We monitored it very closely, hoping for things to heal and stop. In bed, I bled and bled, lightly but all day, changing my own diapers every couple of hours when the blood got uncomfortable to lay in. I actually became an adult diaper expert for my own personal entertainment, truly appreciating the brands that went out of their way to not make me feel like an actual shitting baby. Some were blush colored, with drawn delicate flowers. I got to the point where I was actually like, ‘hell yeah, throw me the pink ones!’ — something I never thought I’d be excited for. But there we were.”
While at home, she was checked on regularly by doctors, “silently twisting their negative words into positives, thinking that everything might still turn out okay.” Then, after a “pretty bad” night, she explained that, “The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly.”
She spent a few days at the hospital before doctors told her “it was time to say goodbye” after a number of unsuccessful blood transfusions. “He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either,” she noted.
“Late one night, I was told it would be time to let go in the morning. I cried a little at first, then went into full blown convulsions of snot and tears, my breath not able to catch up with my own incredibly deep sadness,” she wrote. “Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness.”
Teigen also addressed the photos she posted when announcing the miscarriage, which was met with a bit of criticism online from haters who questioned why she would photograph such a private moment. “I had asked my mom and John to take pictures, no matter how uncomfortable it was,” she shared. “I explained to a very hesitant John that I needed them, and that I did NOT want to have to ever ask. That he just had to do it. He hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story.”
As for the trolls, she wrote: “I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it, and more than anything, these photos aren’t for anyone but the people who have lived this or are curious enough to wonder what something like this is like. These photos are only for the people who need them. The thoughts of others do not matter to me.”
The cookbook author gave a heartbreaking account of her first and final moments with Jack, after he was delivered. “My mom, John and I each held him and said our own private goodbyes, mom sobbing through Thai prayer,” she said. “I asked the nurses to show me his hands and feet and I kissed them over and over and over again. I have no idea when I stopped. It could have been 10 minutes or an hour.”
The post then took a more uplifting, positive turn, as Teigen noted that Jack’s “ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind.”
“People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart,” she continued. “A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full.”
“Maybe *too* bursting full, actually. I find myself randomly crying, thinking about how happy I am to have two insanely wonderful little toddlers who fill this house with love. I smother them with love while they “Moooooooom!!!!!” me. I don’t care.”
While she admits she gets waves of sadness when she remembers she’s not pregnant anymore, she highlighted all the “moments of kindness” she has experienced from strangers. “I went to a store where the checkout lady quietly added flowers to my cart. Sometimes people will approach me with a note. The worst part is knowing there are so many women that won’t get these quiet moments of joy from strangers. I beg you to please share your stories and to please be kind to those pouring their hearts out. Be kind in general, as some won’t pour them out at all.”
“I wrote this because I knew for me I needed to say something before I could move on from this and return back to life, so I truly thank you for allowing me to do so,” she concluded. “Jack will always be loved, explained to our kids as existing in the wind and trees and the butterflies they see. Thank you so much to every single person who has had us in their thoughts or gone as far as to send us your love and stories. We are so incredibly lucky.”
Read the full post here.