Like a river flowing into the ocean, these past two months have been barreling toward Wednesday (Feb. 27) night’s Masked Singer finale. And what a worthwhile eight weeks it has been. Tonight we have two full hours of dazzling B-list magic to get us over Hump Day, so let’s just jump right to it.
Side note: This first season flew by in a blink. If only Fox had the forethought to realize what a winter ratings coup The Masked Singer would become, they could have kept it going through the springtime, or summer, or even the whole year! Sigh. What the hell is Aunt Shirley supposed to so with her Wednesdays now?
Anyway, the first hour of the finale is some B.S. time-filler that recaps the season, wherein Peacock claims, “I have more security than the President of the United States,” while also dropping the new clue that he “had a starring role next to a Pharaoh.” If that’s not a guarantee that Peacock is Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat alum Donny Osmond, then you have my word that I’ll give up wine for the rest of the week.
Bee gives a new clue that she won a singing competition before any of the panelists — that would be Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger — were even born. Confession time: It took a good five seconds to remember the name of the fourth one, even nine episodes in. Sorry, Pussycat.
Kicking off hour number two, all 12 original contestants hit the stage to do an anti-climactic number I have to Google, using the lyrics. Turns out it’s called “Make Way” by Aloe Blacc. And that leads the way into the final three’s performances.
Peacock dances his way through the audience while crooning Ray Charles’ Blues Brothers jam “Shake A Tail Feather.” Bee slows things down with Bonnie Raitt’s early ‘90s tearjerker “I Can’t Make You Love Me,” during which she literally lifts off the stage. Finally, Monster brings it home with Montell Jordan’s party fave “This Is How We Do it.”
When the glitter settles and the panelists’ votes are tallied, Bee is shockingly in third place. I seriously thought she was going to win this pony show. Her mask comes off to reveal Gladys Knight, which should surprise next to no one — except possibly for me, who was kind of hoping it was Chaka Khan. It’s still a bit confusing, considering Bee said a few weeks back she has 10 Grammys, and Gladys won seven total while Chaka indeed has 10. But, OH WELL?
Moving on, Peacock is in the runner-up spot. And Peacock is Donny Osmond. That means the winner is Monster, who turns out to be… T-Pain?
Host Nick Cannon asks the Auto-Tune icon why he would even bother doing this show. “I didn’t have a chance to come into the game with my natural voice,” T-Pain admits. “And you know, a lot of my peers did, and they get accepted. This helped me get my voice out there even more.”
Translation: T-Pain has a new album, 1UP, that just dropped. This helped him get that record out there even more.
But let’s not be cynical. Because of a T-Pain hit, we were once gifted the timeless lyric, “When I whisper in your ear, your legs hit the chandelier.” And for that, America, we’re all winners.