Thus far, each week on absurd reality show The Masked Singer, the disguised contestants have given clues as to who they are before performing. Yet there’s absolutely no explanation of, or call back to, said clues once one of the costumed contestants is given the boot.
That said, with Wednesday (January 30) night’s episode, a new gimmick is introduced for each player in this game: The “revealing item,” wheeled out on stage on a cart by a masked security guard. Why now with this? Because idiot season.
Another new addition in episode five is the group performance. This time around, Rabbit, Lion, Alien and Unicorn take turns warbling Imagine Dragons’ “On Top Of The World,” a song released over six years ago that charted at the soaring heights of No. 79 on the Billboard Hot 100. Trust me, it’s not worth the brain cells trying to make sense of any of this.
Onward we go.
Rabbit sings Bell Biv Devoe’s “Poison”
At the top of the show, it dawns on me that we haven’t seen Monster or Peacock in several episodes, yet Rabbit is back for the second week in a row. This gives me momentary pause. Then I slam a book into my face for once again attempting logic.
Several friends and I conferred recently, and half of them think Rabbit is JC Chasez while the others are convinced it’s Joey Fatone. I’m still erring on the side of JC, because as sage panelist Jenny McCarthy wisely observed a few episodes back, “Joey has a way bigger gut than that bunny.”
At any rate, Rabbit running-mans through a performance of Bell Biv DeVoe’s 1990 new jack jam “Poison,” and Jenny and the gang are no closer to figuring out who the straight-jacketed celebrity could be.
Rabbit’s revealing item is a magician’s kit — because, he says, it’s another way he likes to impress an audience.
Unicorn butchers Icona Pop’s “I Love It”
To be honest, the most revealing thing about Unicorn is that the girl can’t sing. But she also drops a hint at the top of her segment that she’s crafty and from the hills, which sends the panelists into thinking she could be Lauren Conrad, formerly of MTV’s The Hills. (To Ken Jeong’s credit, his mind goes to Beverly Hills 90210; he guesses that Unicorn might be Tori Spelling.)
After shrieking atop a guide vocal track of Icona Pop’s “I Love It,” Unicorn presents a typewriter as her revealing item. This then leads to my favorite exchange to date on The Masked Singer:
Nicole Scherzinger: “Hey, guys, who’s that other girl, the girl…”
Robin Thicke: “Heidi Montag.”
Jenny McCarthy: “No. No. No. No. No. No. She’s not crafty, you guys.”
Alien croons Pharrell Williams’ “Happy”
These fools are just toying with me now. Last week I stated that I couldn’t decide if Paris Hilton or La Toya Jackson is behind the Alien mask. In her clues package this time around, she says, “Growing up, I always craved the simple life. That’s hot. But it seems being born in a famous family, I was destined for the limelight.”
Despite these obvious Parisisms, Alien’s revealing item is a police badge from Muncie, Indiana, and she points out that she’s “sworn to protect and serve.” That seals it. Who doesn’t remember milestone 2007 reality series Armed and Famous, wherein La Toya and four other celebs trained as reserve police officers in Muncie? Anyone? No one? Well, you all missed gold.
Uh oh. Another curve ball: Alien actually delivers a somewhat decent vocal performance of Pharrell’s “Happy.” Maybe it’s not La Toya, after all?
Lion belts out The Mamas & The Papas’ “California Dreamin’”
The show winds down with the Lion throwing out the word “destiny,” and saying she aims to be a model of courage and vulnerability, just like the lion in her favorite movie, The Wizard Of Oz. She adds, “Tick tock, the twister is coming.”
So is it Kelly Rowland or Michelle Williams of Destiny’s Child under that mane? Perhaps Kesha? Either way, Lion’s performance of 1960s classic “California Dreamin’” finally convinces renowned vocal powerhouse Nicole Scherzinger that Lion could be a professional singer.
Lion’s revealing item is a white scrunchie, which she says is “a family heirloom.”
Eliminated: Ken Jeong manages to redeem himself after not realizing Margaret Cho, who played his sister on Dr. Ken, was Poodle last week. His guess that Tori Spelling was under the Unicorn mask is correct.
“This is the only time I’ve ever done anything right in my life,” he exclaims. No need to shout, Ken — we believe you.
Jenny McCarthy then does something groundbreaking on The Masked Singer when she asks Tori to explain one of her clues. It turns out the typewriter belonged to her father, famed TV producer Aaron Spelling, who started each of his scripts on the old-school contraption.
There you have it, folks — Beverly Hills 90210 and The Masked Singer, cultural touchstones one and all.