The Earth has spinning around in space for roughly 4.5 billion years. But, children, we’re alive to witness The Masked Singer.
Fox’s 44 percent Rotten Tomatoes-approved smash was back on Wednesday (January 16) to put five of the disguised, remaining ten celebrities on stage before panelists Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger, and make them sing for their anonymity. For added giggles, comedian Joel McHale was thrown into the mix, because this is apparently where guesting on the X-Files reboot and Santa Clarita Diet gets you.
As for the competing celebs, the previous two weeks saw the departures of Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown as Hippo and Tommy Chong as Pineapple. With such blinding star wattage now absent, where do we go from here? And who got the boot on night three? Read on!
Lion sings Nina Simone’s “Feeling Good”
Joel McHale, likely wondering just how he got here, seems to be speaking for all of America when he states at the top of the show, “I feel like I’m already on drugs.”
Enter Lion, who hints that using her voice to help others has always been important, She also notes, “I tell my pride to be strong,” before belting out classic show tune “Feeling Good,” as popularized by Nina Simone. Impressed, panelist Nicole Scherzinger says, “You got balls, honey!” Joel adds to the expert commentary: “It was like a huge, sexy belt buckle out there. You’re way more talented than Ken Jeong.”
When asked if there’s a top-selling singer lurking under the mask, Lion notes, “I have nothing gold or platinum on my walls…yet.”
Deer does Florida Georgia Line’s “Get Your Shine On”
At this point, the panelists wisely suspect that Deer is a NFL player. And indeed, his performance of Florida Georgia Line’s 2013 hit “Get Your Shine On” indicates that singing clearly isn’t his main profession.
“Last time I was on stage, I was really off my game,” The Deer clues us all in. “Being in the bottom ain’t my style.”
Following Deer’s latest turn in front of a mic, Joel McHale searches deep for a positive comment. “It was the best song I’ve ever seen sung by a deer in a gas mask,” he announces. Don’t worry, Joel — only 43 minutes left to go.
Peacock croons OneRepublic’s “Counting Stars”
Here’s the thing: I’m thinking Peacock is Donny Osmond. He says he was on stage “as a little teenybopper” and has had many different incarnations in his storied past. A further hint comes tonight when he tells the panelists, “I have performed in Las Vegas.”
Also, let’s not forget that in 1989, after a long drought in his pop career, Osmond’s comeback Billboard Hot 100 chart hit “Soldier Of Love” was originally promoted without revealing his name or releasing an accompanying music video. Folks, Donny was the O.G. masked singer!
Anyway, Peacock expertly belts out “Counting Stars” while standing on a hydraulic lift 30 feet above the stage. He’s got all the agility of someone who has — oh, I don’t know — appeared on multiple seasons of Dancing With The Stars, perhaps?
Unicorn warbles Britney Spears’ “Oops!… I Did It Again”
Unicorn admits that she’s been lacking confidence for years because she lost her “sheen.” Now, I know what you’re thinking: Denise Richards was formerly married to Charlie Sheen, right? But try to remember that this is The Masked Singer. Denise Richards is probably a bit too lofty. Brooke Mueller, on the other hand…
After relying heavily on Auto-Tune to get through a rendition of Britney Spears’ “Oops!…I Did It Again,” Unicorn hears some sage wisdom from the panelists. “I almost pooped a rainbow,” Jenny McCarthy says.
Unicorn is asked if she’s a gymnast. Her response: “In the bedroom.” Television in 2019, everyone.
Monster tackles Gavin DeGraw’s “I Don’t Wanna Be”
“Almost being unmasked last time was a really tough pill to swallow,” admits Monster. “I took a drive up from the South in my caddy to clear my head.”
With those clues, the panelists are still no closer to figuring out whether the fur-covered, one-eyed creature is an athlete, a singer or a comedian. A fiery performance of Gavin DeGraw’s early-aughts anthem “I Don’t Wanna Be” impresses Robin Thicke, who announces it’s his favorite performance of the night.
“None of the other singers went for some big mountaintop note at the end, and he went all the way to the top,” Robin says. Host Nick Cannon chimes in that he agrees.
Eliminated: Alas, the time has come for Deer to be shot, strapped to the roof of a rusty Toyota and driven off the show. Before being unmasked, Robin correctly surmises that it’s former NFL quarterback and current Fox NFL Sunday co-host Terry Bradshaw beneath the antlers, given the 70-year-old’s shoulder-shuffle while laughing.
“This is so stressful,” Bradshaw tells the panelists. “I gotta thank y’all for voting me off!”
What a world.