‘The Masked Singer’ Recap: Astronaut Marooned in Space During Battle of the Sixes

The Astronaut Masked Singer
Michael Becker/FOX.

The Astronaut performs on The Masked Singer on April 29, 2020.

Here’s one of the multitude of things that’s classy about The Masked Singer: They’re literally just making this up as the show goes along. The Super 9? The Battle Of The Sixes? MASKED MUNCHIES?

Someone is earning a huge paycheck off this nonsense, and it ain’t me. I, like you, am merely an observer as this Wednesday night spectacle asserts itself as the must-see viewing we deserve in 2020.

Joining Robin Thicke, Jenny McCarthy Wahlberg, Ken Jeong and Nicole Scherzinger as the least-qualified judging panel on television this week is grouchy chef Gordon Ramsey. Because sure, Jan. All five are tasked, as always, with spouting out nonsensical guesses while the six final contestants hydroplane toward glory.

Kitty

More animal-appropriate plays on words come as clues from Season 3’s favorite feline. She’s been on many stages and played many roles in her nine lives, etc. etc. Just get on with the show, pussycat.

Kitty launches into a rendition of “Diamonds Are A Girl’s Best Friend” that surprisingly stays true to the classic Marilyn Monroe version for a good 20 seconds. Inevitably, a dance beat kicks in. It’s all fine and dandy, and the performance is followed by this week’s new gimmick: clues in the form of food. Kitty’s “masked munchie” is a slice of opera cake set in a soap dish, which has Jenny wondering if the giant-sized house pet might be Eva Longoria, of nighttime soap Desperate Housewives fame.

Rhino

Ahead of a fairly satisfactory performance of Thomas Rhett’s “Die A Happy Man,” we learn that Rhino has kids and likes to meditate on mountains. His food clue is spaghetti and meatballs with cheese sprinkled on top, which produces a random array of guesses from our panel of ding dongs. Ken says Rhino has to be Jeff Bridges; Gordon guesses Lady Antebellum crooner Charles Kelley; Jenny goes with California MLB pitcher Barry Zito. Alrighty.

Frog

Frog’s clues come in the form of a police station, the number 13 and a basketball jersey. He moonwalks his way through Imagine Dragons’ smash-a-roo “Whatever It Takes,” then dazzles us with a plate of fried catfish. Like I said at the top, they’re just filling up time with literally anything. That’s entertainment!

Night Angel

This creepy doll is back. She gives us strong clues about a telephone hotline and receiving many phone calls, both good and bad, in her life. There are also fishing lures thrown into the package.

Night Angel tears through Alannah Myles’ lone hit “Black Velvet” with such gusto that Jenny declares this to be “the best performance of Masked Singer ever!” Then out come the munchies, which include fried cockroaches on a stick. Nick Cannon is pressured by the panel to eat one on camera, which he does. “That might be the worst thing I’ve ever done on television,” he groans afterwards, and I’m not sure if he means eating a bug or hosting this show in general.

Astronaut

I was convinced Astronaut was *NSYNC’s Chris Kirkpatrick early on this season, but now I’m not so sure. His clues include a cabin, a lobster and a Joker card. He belts out One Direction trifle “Story Of My Life,” then brings out a king cake with Mardi Gras beads on top -- a clue that hints at a Louisiana background.

Gordon and Robin think Astronaut is Jonathan Taylor Thomas, a name the general public hasn’t thought about in a good 20 years. Because “king cake” means Simba from The Lion King? Lordy.

Turtle

We end the night with Turtle giving chess-related clues and belting out Zedd and Alessia Cara chestnut “Stay.” This is a good jam I didn’t give enough attention to a couple years back. Must remember to revisit by adding to my quarantine playlist.

What were we talking about? Oh, right -- Turtle eating chips with apple salsa. Robin goes with Gavin DeGraw. Gordon and Jenny think the chess clues equal Queen and guess that Turtle is Adam Lambert. Ken, meanwhile, must still have “Story Of My Life” on the brain, because he blurts out Zayn Malik’s name.

Eliminated: It’s time to say bye bye bye to Astronaut. Suddenly Nicole changes her tune and thinks baby-faced country singer Hunter Hayes is under the helmet, given the clue a few weeks back that they both attended the same birthday party before. She surmises that said party was a 4th of July event they each performed at, and … she’s right! There go my *NSYNC dreams.

Before departing, Hunter says he feels this was the right time in his career to try something new. Keep reaching for the stars, kid.

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