Television

Here's Our Dream Cast For a 'Tiger King' Musical

Jared Leto
Nicholas Hunt/Getty Images for Tribeca Film Festival

Jared Leto attends the "A Day In The Life Of America" screening at the 2019 Tribeca Film Festival at BMCC Tribeca PAC on April 27, 2019 in New York City.

Jared Leto has already volunteered to play the lead.

Tiger King: Murder, Mayhem and Madness has entranced the quarantine nation. At a time when we all need some serious distraction amid the COVID-19 pandemic, Netflix's twisty tale of love, lust and expired meat boasts a cast of characters so colorful it makes Avengers: Endgame look like a black and white silent movie.

So naturally the streamer is reportedly working on a sequel. But we have a better idea. Since Tiger King already comes with a country-tinged soundtrack of songs so criminally twisted they would make Johnny Cash blush, and a number of celebs have copped to being obsessed, we thought it made sense to cook up a dream cast for a Joe Exotic musical we'd be happy to produce.

Joe Exotic

The lead role is an easy one. Since 30 Seconds to Mars singer Jared Leto recently held (and live tweeted) a viewing party and then basically auditioned for the role in a series of pics, naturally he should slip into Joseph Maldonado-Passage's (aka Joe Exotic) bedazzled shirts and double thigh holsters.

Carole Baskin

Joe's nemesis and fellow big cat enthusiast is the ultimate anti-hero (or is she?) and it would take a huge personality to embody her many weird, wonderful personality quirks. Luckily, Saturday Night Live's multi-talented Kate McKinnon is not only interested, she's already signed on to star in and executive produce a limited series based on the Joe Exotic podcast. We know she has the gravitas, bottomless wig and costume closet and vocal chops to handle the role.

John Finlay

If you're gonna make your big screen debut, you may as well go really big. That's why we suggest Florida Georgia Line's Tyler Hubbard (pictured right) for the role of one-third of Joe's throuple marriage, ex-husband Finlay.

Dillon Passage

Joe's third and current husband appears to just be chillin' on the beach in Florida these days. You know who else is the kind of chill? Miley Cyrus' BF, Cody Simpson.

Jeff Lowe

Joe's one-time biz partner, now the owner of the Greater Wynnewood Exotic Animal Park and avowed swinger, has that big tiger energy, as does Tim McGraw.

Bhagavan "Doc" Antle

It takes a confident man to step into the sexual dynamite role of animal tamer/mesmerizer Antle, whose harem and mystical powers somehow make him the third most interesting character on the show. So naturally Diplo, always the most interesting man in the room, seems just right for the soul patch-sporting South Carolina lion tamer. And while we're at it, maybe Incubus singer Brandon Boyd would make a good match for son Kody Antle.

Rick Kirkham

Rick was the man with all the tapes for Joe's reality show and a documentary, until, well, they all burned up in a mysterious fire. He's a plain-talkin', cigarette smoking man's man.  Slap a little aged-up CGI magic on country singer Jon Pardi and, voila!

Kelci "Saff" Saffery

The GW Zoo animal keeper who got his left arm amputated above the elbow after a cat ripped off the bottom half just days after he started working at the compound, is, amazingly, still reportedly working there. We nominate actor/singer-songwriter Laith Ashley for the part.

Harold Baskin

Carole's current husband former banker Baskin still helps her run Big Cat Rescue. You know who would make a great Harold and has excellent pipes? Jeff Goldblum.

Erik Cowie

The former head zookeeper at GW didn't hold his tongue in Tiger King when it came to laying out what he thought was going on at Joe Exotic's animal farm. You know who else fancies himself a straight shooter? Kid Rock.