Lily Allen Recalls Feeling 'Worthless' Amid Battle With Addiction & Miley Cyrus Tour

Lily Allen
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Lily Allen attends the "Frozen 2" European premiere at BFI Southbank on Nov. 17, 2019 in London.

Lily Allen is growing past a dark time in her life and career.

The 35-year-old singer appeared on the latest episode of The Recovery podcast on Wednesday (Jan. 13), where she opened up about her years-long battle with addiction, which started when she became "co-dependent" on alcohol back in school.

"All I wanted was affirmation and praise and I didn't even really get it then. I got it from strangers, but I didn't really get it from the people I wanted it from," she explained of her music career after dropping out of school. "In fact, I was kind of met with a bit of resentment from those people. Taking responsibility for my own actions, you know, I definitely like buried my head in drugs and alcohol, but I was really sad."

She recalled feeling "worthless," and turning to Adderall. "I was 14-stone [196 lbs.] and just did not feel like a pop star at all," she said. "So, I started taking this drug called Adderall, which is like speed, to lose weight. And then I got addicted to this drug because it made me invincible and I could work really long hours and be all the different people that I was required to be at the time."

In 2014, Allen joined Miley Cyrus on her Bangerz tour, which was difficult for her mental health. "It was a very highly sexualized tour and I had just spent the last three years pushing babies out," she explained. "It couldn't have been less what I felt like. And also, I'd never ever supported someone. So, I was sort of like re-entering this phase of being a pop star again but not doing it on my terms anymore. I was supporting this girl who was much younger and more attractive than I felt and I just started out in [many] ways."

She then began cheating on her then-husband, Sam Cooper, with whom she shares nine-year-old daughter Ethel and eight-year-old daughter Marnie. "I remember being in LA and thinking like, 'None of this acting out is working anymore. Maybe I should try heroin,'" she recalled. "I'd been in a scene... and knew that when that thought popped into my head it was time to confront my demons. That was about five years ago. And I started recovery."

Though she "got clean" after going to a program, six months later she began drinking again. "I lost my marriage. I lost my house I worked for 10 years to buy. My career started sinking. I lost all my friends. I was so resentful. So angry all the time. Really felt like the world owed me stuff," she said. "That went on for another four years."

Thankfully, Allen is now sober again and is focusing on developing a healthy relationship with her children. "I'm in the process of breaking that cycle. I felt so guilty about neglecting my kids in those early years of their life and having to go off on tour and misbehave in the way that I was. I really have a great relationship with my kids now," she explained. "I'm there to pick them up at the school gates whenever I can be. I'm dropping them off in the morning, and I'll make them dinner, and they'll come to me when they've got problems, and that's golden to me."

Her current husband David Harbour, whom she married last year, also adds to her new, happier lifestyle. "I'm in a really happy and healthy relationship. He's sober, has been sober for 20 years now," she shared. "We're thinking about what we're going to do with the rest of our lives... I don't have as much as I had then in terms of success and wealth, but I have success and health in my mind, which is more valuable I think."

Listen to the full podcast here.