Today, January 20, Donald J. Trump -- alleged billionaire and proven con-man -- took the oath of office to become the 45th President of the United States. Like millions of Americans, I did not watch. In fact, as I write these words on Wednesday, January 18, the Inauguration has not yet taken place. But I don’t need to have seen it to know what I missed. It was no doubt the biggest and best Inauguration the world has ever known; after all, even Julius Caesar could not entice 3 Doors Down to perform at his coronation. Perhaps there were fireworks. Perhaps a phalanx of F-35s roaring overhead before they receive their cancelation orders. Maybe the President himself will emerge from his armor-plated limousine for a bloated stroll down Pennsylvania Avenue.
He will wave to the throngs, that strange, self-satisfied Trumpian grimace that passes for what humans call “smiling.” He will be no doubt accompanied by the love of his life, Ivanka. And, perhaps, the First Lady will trail behind, scooping up whatever droppings they leave behind. After taking the oath, I am sure he will stand before the assembled crowd, without question the biggest ever assembled, and delivered the best speech ever given. The only question yet unanswered is which Americans he will insult. Perhaps Muslims, or immigrants. Maybe Meryl Streep.