"Had a perfectly earnest moral and political stance actually been a convenient stalling tactic?" asked Dunham in the essay, written for The New Yorker.
She revealed that the day of the ruling, she received multiple texts from friends, family and fans asking if she would now marry Antonoff.
"What followed was a remarkable display of emotional acrobatics on my part. As soon as Jack woke up, I informed him that he 'better not make a fool out of me,' followed by a quick 'LOL,' and then, 'But seriously. I’m going to look like a real idiot if we just sit here like losers and keep dating.' Then I tweeted, '@jackantonoff get on it, yo,' followed by my immediate and all-consuming regret."
When Dunham finally spoke with Antonoff in person, she said she realized he hadn't been thinking seriously about marriage as much as she had. "Partly that’s because we were busy, and the ruling caught him by surprise, and his politics were pure and not as self-interested as mine were starting to feel," said Dunham. "But partly, I suppose, it’s because, as a man, his entire life has not been shaped by a desire for, or a rejection of, a fluffy white dress."
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She recounted her evolving "bridal fantasies" she's had since she was a little girl and shared a photo of a shredded lace gown and combat boot bridal ensemble she had drawn in 10th grade.
"My desire for a wedding predated my ability to imagine any other kind of positive attention for myself, any other moment of triumph in my life," wrote Dunham. "I didn’t want to have a gallery opening, like my mom, or to perform surgery, like my aunt. A wedding would do the trick."
After much thought and consideration, Dunham said she came to an important realization. "The fact is that wanting everyone to have the right to marry and wanting to be married are two very different things," she said.
For now, she and Antonoff are holding off on making a decision about marriage.
Wrote Dunham: "It turns out that what I was waiting for was not the chance to marry but the chance to think about marriage on an even playing field, in a world where its relevance is a little harder to question and its essence a little harder to reject."
This article was originally published by The Hollywood Reporter