"Justin has fans in middle school or staying 500 feet away from one."
"Justin has the voice of an angel ... and the driving skills of Stevie Wonder."
"Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house -- not gangsta."
"A feud with One Direction? That's like a fight between don't-care and who-gives-a-shit.
"You act so much like a pussy, Ellen [DeGeneres] tried to eat you."
"Sixty million Twitter followers? The only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower."
Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy:
"Justin Bieber is a full-grown man who works and loves and makes things with his hands. He sings to 9-year-olds and his hair is like a gay figure skater."
"Justin, you're so pretty, when inmates see your mug shot, they swipe right."
"Jeff Ross: you look like you took 15 years of elbows to the face. [You've] got a body like the cafeteria lady."
"Martha Stewart, I want to f-- you so bad, I bet your pubic hair is 50 shades of gray."
"Shaq was the original 2 Chainz because that's how he was brought into the country."
"Shaq's dick is so big, he uses it has a selfie stick."
"Is that Kevin Hart or did Shaq take a shit?"
"Selena Gomez wanted to be here but she's dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you? Selena Gomez had sex with [you]... proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won't do."
"If Anne Frank had heard your music, she would've Uber'd to Auschwitz."
"You have such a huge career ... behind you."
"Kevin Hart is so short, he calls Lil Wayne, Wayne."
"Kevin Hart's career plan? Do everything Martin Lawrence did only shittier."
"What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours."
"Martha Stewart: Thanks for coming. I'll bet that's something you don't do much of anymore."
"Jeff, I didn't realize Chili's sells clothing. You look the emoji for when you wanna tell someone you have food poisoning."