For "The DETHALBUM," I had to transcribe all the lyrics and it took me weeks because I had no idea what on earth I was saying.

Day 4, 4th Gig: Sound Issues

We just played an incredibly noisy and sloppy show at a venue (I'm guessing), somewhere in the west -- in America -- I think... I usually lose track of where we are and at what venue we play right around the time I initially step on the DETHbus (THE DETHKLOK TOURBUS). This is because Pickles blockades the entrance and won't let anyone on without making them kill a bowl from his watermelon bong (think six pounds of Purple Humbolt DETHweed)...

So I don't know where the show was or if it actually happened because I smoked enough weed to render me legally insane and/or retarded.

The first few shows are always the worst ones. But then we'll get our sh*t together, soundwise. But the first few are a technological clusterf*ck -- you know, like the feedback-monitor issues...

Last night's show everyone was pissed about our stage sound except for Toki, who thought it was our best show ever. He found out later from his guitar tech that he wasn't even plugged in for the entire show. The tech kept chasing Toki around with the cable and Toki dogged and ducked and avoided him screaming, "Leaves me alone." Regardless, the tech was fired. And later rehired. With a pay increase.

Skwisgaar's live sound is usually pretty tight. He's got it dialed in, he's a perfectionist. Sometimes he will send out his guitar tech to a venue a month early to measure the room angles and reflective surfaces to account for every possible perceivable sound flaw and counter act it with his EQ.

Toki shows up with his own guitar tech and plugs in to ear-bleedingly loud feedback that usually continues throughout the show. But our house sound guy is usually "nudges" Toki's signal back. And Murderface is a pretty lazy half-ass in person but, surprisingly, when he plays live, he nails it.

Murderface's DETHbus etiquette is a different story, but I'll get into that later (let's just say there's a lot of vomiting due to his repulsive actions). But I guess the rule is that as long as you can hear yourself onstage, you're in pretty good shape.

I hate when I can't hear myself on stage. I'm usually in the center and Skwisgaar's on my left and Toki and Murderface are on my right with Pickles behind me. So I have a hard time hearing what I'm saying. But the truth is that even when I am loud and audible to myself, I still have a hard time understanding what I'm saying. For "The DETHALBUM," I had to transcribe all the lyrics and it took me weeks because I had no idea what on earth I was saying. As I speak to people in my regular life, I have a hard time trying to figure out what I'm talking about...

But when I can't hear myself, I can get lost within the song and I won't know where the downbeat is, let alone what the words are. And that happens rather often. So I'll just start saying death metal buzzwords like murder, scrape, die, death, kill, blood, humidity... things like that, and usually the audience doesn't know... As long as you sound like you mean it...

But last night I couldn't hear myself so I did this old death metal trick -– I plug my ears with my fingers and cram the microphone deep into my throat and scream as hard as I can until I vomit and cry blood. Always a crowd pleaser. And it sounds pretty loud... But, again, the jack-offs (the audience) really don't know the difference between good and bad. So it's really hard to fail...

That's all for now but I'll be back for another update. I'm told I have to notarize a stack of paternity waivers.

Go Die.

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