Sinead O'Connor is looking for, well, what Justin Bieber might call a snake named Johnson: the Irish singer has taken to her website and Twitter account to make a public inquiry and search for a good man and a good time.
She explains her situation in a post on her website: "I recently read of a woman in America who married and regularly humps her truck. I don't yet own a truck but I'm beginning to understand her head space. And am worried I too may be so desperate for sex that within days I might run up the road and hump Bray Cab's whole fleet in one hour."
O'Connor claims that her sex life is "so dire" that "inanimate objects are starting to look good" and laments that she's "in the peak of her sexual prime and way too lovely to be living like a nun." Luckily, she's also admitted an affinity for men, but not just any man. O'Connor's standards are high and at times bizarrely specific, including some expected ones:
"He must be no younger than 44."
"Has to be employed. Am not fussy in what capacity generally but vehicle clampers need not apply."
"No hair dye."
And some unusual demands:
"Must not be named Brian or Nigel."
"I like me a hairy man so buffed and/or waxed need not apply."
"Must be very 'snuggly'. Not just wham-bam."
"Must be wham-bam."
Wait, what? As if it all weren't confusing enough already, O'Connor has been through three husbands, announced she was a lesbian in 2000, and later clarified to Entertainment Weekly in 2005 that she was merely "three-quarters heterosexual, one-quarter gay." She explains on her website that she's "in fact 99.999% vaginally oriented but has experienced the odd shall we say 'bark up the wrong tree' and immensely enjoyed it."
If her website wasn't shocking enough, O'Connor has also taken to Twitter, where she's accumulated more than 3000 followers and more than 300 tweets since making her dilemma public. There, O'Connor hardly holds back, with posts that are far more graphic than what you might find on her website regarding everything from her attraction to Robert Downey, Jr. and Dave Chappelle, to the types of applicants she's getting: "V odd offer guy wants 2 pork me wearing JP2 mask. Psychiatrist urgently needed..."
O'Connor has already found one successful applicant, but after the winner admitted he had a pregnant girlfriend, the deal was off. But if you're interested, don't fret; O'Connor is still taking applications, but you "must have a sweet heart and filthy mind." Good luck. You're going to need it.