The one truth of "Glee" is the Christmas episode always involves a plethora of holiday sweet with just a dash of WTF. Last year we had that WTF as a midpoint retro holiday special segment, and this year they're going more the holiday movie route to spread the weirdness across everything. Sue tells us exactly how "Glee, Actually" is going to go -- five seemingly unrelated stories sandwiched between commercial breaks that all tie together in the end. And so it beings.
First up is Artie, who fell on the ice on the wheelchair ramp and is left frustrated about his situation in the chair. He falls asleep in the nurse's office and wakes up in a black and white world where he never had his car accident and can walk. Rory is there as his guardian angel (which leads us to question -- was Rory ever really there at all?). He leads Artie around an alternative universe of "Glee" where Tina is still goth and stuttering, Kurt was held back from all the bullying and never met Blaine, Schue is an alcoholic and Terri is still around and still faking the baby. Rachel became the school librarian and is only in the chorus of the local musical. You see, without Artie as an outcast who joined glee club, the whole thing fell apart. Artie tries to bring everyone back together with a performance of "Feliz Navidad" (the band is still on call, even in this alternative universe) to which Finn responds, "that was so gay." Even Kurt looked horrified. The real kicker is Quinn's abandoned wheelchair -- without glee club she still got in her accident and without the support of her friends, she died. He chooses to get back in his chair in the dream world, and wakes up accepting of his lot in life.
Next we head to New York, where Kurt thinks he'll be spending Christmas alone in New York while Rachel goes off on the Rosie cruise with her dads, but then Burt Hummel, the most perfect father on TV, shows up with a tree and a box of ornaments to brings some father/son Christmas cheer to Bushwick. They decorate with Kurt's mom's old ornaments, setting us up for Burt's big reveal -- he's been diagnosed with prostate cancer. Burt Hummel just can't catch a break. Over french fries and hot chocolate he emphasizes the importance of keeping the people you care about close, which segues into him revealing his holiday gift to Kurt is Blaine, who is waiting to surprise him for ice skating in Bryant Park with their traditional holiday duet. They skate and sing "White Christmas," complete with an almost-kiss mid-rink. However, despite Blaine's epic heart-eyes, we're still in no-Klaine land, even if Burt's watchful eyes and Blaine's promise to always be there for each other even if they aren't together says differently for the long-run.
Back in Ohio, baby Puckerman is still getting bullied for his mixed heritage, but big bro Noah shows up to threaten the jerks before whisking his little brother away to L.A. for the holidays to show him the grand Hollywood life. They drive cross-country with Jake in the sidecar of Puck's motorcycle, straight into the Paramount lot. Puck explains that, "when you're in Hollywood, if you're a Jew or a gay you've got it made," and then they simply steal guitars and play "O Hanukkah" to some showgirls and nuns, concluding the bonding moment with matching Jewish star tattoos. However, Puck's lie about his wonderful L.A. collapses at his "borrowed" mansion and they decide to turn right around and go back to Lima and make their moms hang out on Christmas day. The two women fight at first, but the boys remind them that their dad isn't worth it, and he did do one good thing, which is make them brothers and make the four of them family, like it or not.